We all have a voice and the chance to speak. But we can't always determine how well others listen. Sure, this blog started as an assignment for my writing class, but it became something more. Oftentimes we begin doing things without knowing the impact they will have. Most of the time when people think of influence, they imagine the change they can bring about in others; while this is important, the most substantial change that can occur is the enlightenment of our own lives. We can change who we are. It's easy to get caught up in wanting to influence a plethora of human beings, but in the end all you have is you. And are you happy with you? This blog became a part of me. I'm planning on continuing to verbalize my corner of the universe via my blogging body. And I'm pleased with my results. I’ll continue to live long after Writing 150 is over and far beyond the short-term acquaintances that may soon forget me. I am not forgotten as long as I remember, and what better way to recall my mangled memories than to write and read them often?
I find it interesting that there are certain undeniable truths which can be expressed via more channels than just LDS members. I find it outrageous that there are certain pockets of people within our church who discriminate against others upon the basis of religion. They make pointed remarks contradicting other faiths whose members have had enlightening experiences just as they have had. Sure they can be different, but just because someone isn't a member doesn't make them inherently bad. There's this "them vs us" complex invented by members and its presence in the church is disheartening, really. The only difference between "them" and "us" is the fact that we have the saving ordinances--we have the full truth. A lot of us were blessed to be born into it! How on earth does this make us any better than them? Instead of finding fault with other religious people, we should see them exactly as who they are: a child of God. They're not a project or some lost soul--they're simply lacking the knowledge and covenants that we possess, and we have the opportunity to share with them. If someone does not understand certain principles and feels overwhelmed by the information we have, resulting in their choice to remain unaffiliated with the church, that isn't cause to forget them. This life is about people. We're here to learn and grow and we do so in different ways and times. I want people to be as real with me as possible. I hate the frilly, fleeting feelings. Talk to people because you're genuinely interested about them and their story, not because you want to fill a "member missionary" quota. Have I stressed this enough?
https://www.lds.org/media-library/video/2014-10-220-elder-dallin-h-oaks-highlights?category=october-2014-general-conference-highlights&lang=eng
1:10 AM
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I want to be blanketed by an endless canopy of stars, enveloped by the wisdom of the universe and its ever-swirling galaxies. I want to spend a sleepless night discovering and rediscovering constellations and the man in the moon. I want to abandon the world and its trivial, superficial cares and just be. Life isn't perfect; it wasn't meant to be. Life is a collection of the ups and downs, a heartbeat pattern. The low times prove that you're alive. It is the flatline that is worrisome. The stars are billions of years old. They have watched us spin around in circles, always revolving around the sun. They have seen wars, love, hate, peace. They have witnessed the human race progress, digress, and stand still--it is in those still moments, surrounded by the tranquility of silence and stars, that we realize life is more than us. That we grow outside of ourselves. It is then when we become inspired. The night sky is a dark canvas of knowledge speckled with the experiences and light of the stars. So connect the dots. What is it that you see?
It's true that everybody tries to put their best foot forward. We try to show the best parts of ourselves by nature. We don't want people to know that we are human make mistakes. We're guarded, hiding the undesirable traits and facts about ourselves. But I think the most beautiful parts of us are the scars, the pains, the dark places. In all reality, it is these things that define who we are, not the flawless masks we present to society. It's the scars that tell the stories. The dark times and the pains we've endured are, in essence, the definition of us. They prove that we are growing and learning; they show that we can heal. You never know who somebody is until you have shared who you are with them. Very choice people know the trials you're enduring and it is them who are the closest to you. We've been injured, we have scars. And we hide them from the world, convincing others that we are a flurry of wonder when all the while we are really just trying to prove to ourselves that we are worth it. We are harsh on our choices and personalities and flaws. We must learn to love the scars and the change we've encountered. And we have to love even the scary parts of others because we are all survivors, everyday. And how will somebody love all of us if we condemn some parts of them? We make mistakes, but when we learn from them they can flourish into something beautiful.
Being alone is empowering; the stillness of the air allows peace of thought and deep personal understanding. It fills the crevices of our broken soul with a painfully soothing remedy: time. But you can't live alone forever. You, at one point or another, have to depend on somebody else for survival. No matter how self-sufficient we think we have become, we owe the world we have to our God who gave us life. He blesses and prospers us in ways we cannot fully recognize. For are we not all beggars? He carries us through those trials we fear we cannot surpass and, in order to strengthen us, he even pushes us a little farther than we are stubbornly willing to go. No matter how we may try to repay our Father in heaven for the blessings he bestows upon us, he turns around and blesses us again tenfold. We are forever indebted to him. If we, imperfect beggars before the mighty God, can become heirs to his kingdom, why shouldn't somebody else? It's time for the hopeful message of the gospel to reach those who may feel frozen in time and all alone. I'm here to tell you that you are never alone and Christ is silently enduring every pain, sorrow, and sickness that befalls you upon this lonely journey on earth, whether you realize it or not. You are important. You are more important than you realize.
1:00 AM
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I wander, aimlessly traipsing far beyond where I have ever before been. The woodland is my solace. I notice little things: the morning sunlight radiating through the looming trees and reflecting dully from the glossy leaves; the crunch of various sized and shaped twigs precariously perched beneath my clumsy feet; the splendor of song swelling from a lone bird aloof in the mess of branches far above me; the loose, crumbly texture of bark at my explorative fingertips that somehow manage to feel everything in sight, as if touch was the only way to feel alive; and the sweet, fresh scent of morning encompassed by the aura of Mother Nature.
The wilderness is home. I close my eyes and just breathe. I breathe for clarity. I breathe for inspiration. I breathe to prove that I am still here, that I am still living--as if every breath of all-natural, homemade plants' breath oxygen will cure any ailments that befall me. I lift my still-closed eyes toward the sky, allowing the sunshine to dance freely across the surface of my skin. Solitude is my everything. Social graces are nothing. Here, in this moment, surrounded by the simplicity of nature, nothing else matters but this reality. Various thoughts go whirring in and out of my consciousness, slamming my mind in a flurry of haste that causes the timeless serenity of my world to falter. For a brief second, I panic as my mind begins to release its grasp on the here and now, the dirt and trees and babbling creeks and sunshine. I lower myself to the dirt-strewn, critter-made path, allowing the dust to settle on my skin and inside of me, quieting my brain. Again, I allow myself to just breathe, to slow it all down, to simply be without care. Because here, in the bliss of exploration, I see...the wild is free. This wild is me. I am whom I choose to be.
12:42 AM
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It rained here all afternoon. And it made me want to dance. I was trapped inside working, but through the window I watched with wonder at the swirling grey clouds and listened intently to the constant pitter-patter of droplets on the rooftop. The simplicity of the storm triggered something inside of me. And I couldn't help but smile and laugh and sing. Something about the rain frees me.
When nothing else can bring me to life, the pounding of the sky's tears can grapple the deepest parts of me and yank them to the surface. In those moments, I want to be able to fly. I want to drift toward the all-consuming, angry clouds and watch them create their split-second attacks. I want top feel the heat of the moment, feel the deafening crack of electricity and be at one with the workings of Mother Nature's splendor. I wish I could watch everything up close and personal, in slow motion. I want to feel the looming animosity of recoiling thunder waves. Thunder is disheveling to the soul. But I could listen to it forever, feel its ultimate power tear through my frame. I want to experience the workings of everything around me in a way I don't know and can't even appreciate with the way I'm living now. The pounding of the rain on pavement rattles my brain and tousles my thoughts. But the storm has such an affect on me. Almost like it has the power to make me one with the earth surrounding me. The rain is all-encompassing. Freeing. It's like the weather knows me better than I know myself. Like it can fix me.
Rain is mystifying, intense, erosive, pure. If you allow it to, it can wash away all doubts, fears, pains, insecurities. It can make you feel alive. Rain is magic, and dancing in rain is liberating. I never want to see the rain as dull, depressing, or disorienting. For me, rain will forever be a solace from the struggles of everyday living.
12:25 AM
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I love writing. Sometimes I hate it, like when I'm required to write a substantially long and boring paper for school. But even still I enjoy it more than an alternative activity.
While I'm a decently quick keyboarder, my favorite writing is done by hand. Letters are my go-to for writing, an outlet for stress and worry.
Missionaries are the best correspondence to such letters. They are filled with spiritually uplifting advice and counsel, and better yet---they actually enjoy getting them. Currently I am writing nine missionaries weekly (via email, that is! Actual postage is expensive...) and every Monday is a spiritual feast. An Elder in England actually introduced me to the candle/flame/thought/vs./action analogy. Letters I send are like journal entries that receive positive commentary. Through writing consistently, I have gained many personal insights from dear friends and come to life conclusions that I would have never reached on my own.
12:06 AM
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High school is funny. Growing up is comical. Life is hysterical.
In high school we label others in relation to our perception of the world. As we age, we (not-so-surprisingly) discover that everything we thought we knew was remarkably ethnocentric. Yet when we encounter high school acquaintances, our original judgments of their character resurface and manifest themselves through our subconscious. We're biased because of memories that taint our viewpoint that we thought had changed. Why is it so easy to digress to moments of former misunderstanding? Relationships are complicated while also being extremely simplistic and fundamental to society.
Notes to self: If somebody labels you one way, they'll see you as that forever. They'll never see you completely for who you are, only what they perceive you to be on the outside. You can never please them. Perhaps you'll never please anybody you'd like to. Move on with it. Don't let that define you. You are exactly what you choose to be, even if nobody sees you... the real you. Don't believe what everybody says. Everybody lies. Be comfortable on your own skin or never feel comfortable. Do things you like, for you'll be criticized no matter what you do. You are worth it. Only you and God know exactly who you are, so leave them to speculate among themselves. Be strong because what they say doesn't matter; they'll never know you anyway.
The fact that we will likely never comprehend exactly who another person is is astounding. People are mysteries; we are secrets waiting to be undiscovered. There will always be something somebody doesn't know about us, however small. We simply cannot portray to somebody else every part of ourselves. But it is thrilling to be unveiled as a masterpiece in somebody else's eyes. We're all masterpieces with a history. We all have secrets. And some are better left forgotten.
11:46 PM
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Incentive: You guys are all able to put out this candle. The power of positive thinking will be on our side here. What you need to do is work together, all of you have to countdown and think as hard as you can that the candle will go out and if you plan it out well enough, you'll have a chance to put out the flame. After lighting the candle, convince everyone to be absolutely silent and, on the count of three, to speak in their minds the words "flame, go out." The trick is to emphasize the power of positive thinking. After about 10 seconds of the fire still burning, pinch it out and deliver the following thought: no amount of positive thinking was EVER going to extinguish that candle. What was required to put out the candle was work, the action of pinching out the flame. When we receive instruction and counsel for us to learn something, we have to act. No amount of positive thinking is EVER going to effect a change on the physical world around us if we don't act on those thoughts.
We are told regularly how important family history work is, and many times this topic has been discussed in this class. A lot of times we hear what people are saying, but we don’t listen. It’s easy to avoid the monotonous repetition of the counsel to “do family history work!” and justify why we aren't involved in it. The most beneficial thing we can do for ourselves is to do something, regardless of how in-depth it is.
After class one day, I had the strongest impression to record my family’s stories. I called my grandparents and set up a time to meet with them and write their stories into the FamilySearch website. While it was a bit more difficult than anticipated, the time I was able to spend with them and the memories that are recorded for generations to come are well worth it.
One of the largest mantras in this class was the theme of stories. We have the resources necessary to complete family history, and the history of our families begins with stories.
11:34 PM
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